Now That We Are Home.............

 We know it is going to be a while for our family to get back into the swing of things. We are praying God will work in the hearts of each family member to unite us as one heart, mind and body centered in Him. As with any blended family, we know there is potential for division amongst the troops, but we are going to work through it all with the Lord's help and encourage all to be family. Elena will need to learn what that even means).

The Higgins' Family recently adopted a sibling set of 3 girls from Ukraine and also adopted an older girl from Russian prior to that (and they also have a girl near Hannah's age along with a boy near Micah's age).  They have equipped themselves over the years and have first hand experience with multiple adoptions.  They comprised a summary which we felt was so excellent that we asked if we could use it with permission which they granted us.   Please take the time to read this since it is so well written and so very critical!

"Our top priority from an adoptive standpoint will be bonding and attachment with Elena.  This will not be an easy process for many reasons including the fact that she is an older child, and she has been in an institution for about 4 years.  Hopefully, she develped the ability to bond as an infant, toddler and very young child.  If so, this process will be much easier for us all.  If you have parented an older adopted child, you probably understand what we are talking about .  If not, you might wonder why in the world would we make a big deal over this or you may even think we are crazy (I know I might have a few years ago)!.  We are not asking that everyone agree with us or even understand the process we're going through, but that as our friends and family you would trust our heart, respect our decisions and support our parenting.  If you would like to understand more about this, please feel free to ask us questions or for some books that can help you understand what we're embarking on.
 
So, what can you expect now that we are home?

- She will be very tired (maybe for a while as she adjusts to her new life).  Please greet her warmly with a hug, but do not be offended if she does not respond.  She might not hug you back or even speak to you.  She will be overwhelmed with emotions and might not warm up to you easily.  Please respect her boundaries.

- Keep in mind that our goal is for her to bond with us as Mama and Papa...it's what life will be centered around her.  Please let us do all of the care-giving (offering food, consoling, disciplining, offering choices, helping with tasks, etc.)

- Please do not give her anything she asks for without first telling her to "ask Mama or Papa" - don't ask for her.  She needs to ask!  This applies to food, permission, help, anything!  She is learning English and can do this herself.

- Back us up.  If we direct her to do/not do (or eat/not eat) something, please go along with us even if you would do things differently.  When she sees you respecting our words to her, she will learn from that example.

- Please do not allow her to hang on you or cling to you.  She might want to sit in your lap, hold your hand, or just lean on you, but she must learn to cling first to Mama and Papa.

- Gifts:  If you have something to share with her, please give it to us first so that we can hand it to her for you...or ask her to "ask your Mama /Papa" if you can give her something.  It's important that the permission always comes from us.

- While she is learning to be a part of a family and follow rules and respect our authority, she will have days she is frustrated with us.  We will be the ones saying "no, you can't do that" or "I know you don't want to go to the store, but we are all going as a family."  In times like these, she may turn to others outside our immediate family as a way of pushing us back.  Please do not allow this.  It might seem mean, but you need to push her back towards us!  For her sake, she cannot bond with people outside of Mama and Papa right now.

- Bearing these things in mind, please do not ask her if she would like to go places, do things or attend events.  You can ask us about these things, but do not be offended if for the next several months we don't attend much -- we will be staying home a lot!  Also, she will not go anywhere without us...not until she has attached to us as her Mama and Papa.  We do look forward to the day that she can attend parties and events just as other "normal" children can, but that will have to take a back seat right now.

She is learning what it means to be part of a family, to trust and obey us as her parents, to rely on us for everything she needs (emotionally and physically), and to bond with us as her Mama and Papa.

It is imperative that she learns to seek all permission, affection, guidance, attention, provision (for every basic need), affirmation and acceptance from us first.  Only after she has truly bonded with us as her parents will she ever be able to develop healthy relationships in the future.  Right now, think of her as in the "infant" stage -- she has just come home to our family.  Only with her, she NEEDS to LEARN to rely completely on us just as an infant relies on his or her mother.  This is not something that will be instinctual for her.  Our desire is for her to come to know God's love and to develop into a healthy adult who has healthy relationships with her spouse, children, friends and family.  Thank you for supporting us in this!  It will help us all transition smoothly as we become a family."